Proxemic Studies: Volume I

by Mike McCormick

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1.
triptych: I 03:48
I want you to tell me that I'm special and important to you. that you're thankful that you have someone you can always confide in and who will be there for you no matter what. I want you to tell me that you love me. Being with you has been one of the best things that's ever happened to me. You're going to be in my heart for the rest of my life. There's so many things that I do or think now that I probably wouldn't if I hadn't met you or hadn't been close to you.
2.
alvorada 07:09
While you walk across the lake I wanted to have shown you, the lake of my early hours, I walk through every memory you left. While you walk across the lake I relive you entirely. I retrace our last steps… I walk through the worn grass where I saw you for the last time. I walk through the pain like a child dreams the clear sky of the early morning. While you walk without a farewell, I devour you in silence, I let you inside me, through my blood, across all membranes, I fill every gap. While you walk, I see your eyes opening as a lake dawning of love…
3.
in|takt 02:49
Just got out of the shower… you were kind of there too. I was re-exploring your hands on my body… your lips on my skin… ... a beautiful thought… It’s like you’re still here… It was the same feeling I had last year… …as if every part of my skin is just open and extremely sensitive. I like that you have this effect on me.
4.
triptych: II 03:10
I want you to tell me that I'm special and important to you. that you're thankful that you have someone you can always confide in and who will be there for you no matter what. I want you to tell me that you love me and that you'll never forget… I'm thankful that we got to share these years together and got to know each other more than anyone else has ever known us, and I hope that we continue to know each other. I have countless fond memories of us that I'll hold dear forever.
5.
madness 03:15
I'm mad that when I said that I could no longer be friends with you, you let me, instead of fighting for our friendship. I'm mad that when I said that you moved on so fast, you said, “well, it's not like it was the next day." I'm mad when you don't answer questions with a straight answer. When I asked if you had feelings for each other you said a bunch of words about exploring, blah, blah, blah…rather than just saying yes. I'm mad that you lied to me when I asked what you two were talking about and she was telling you she had feelings for you. I'm mad that when I asked if you two slept in the same bed you asked me if she and I had slept in the same bed as if that was AT ALL the same. I'm mad that you don't understand why our friends have a problem with the two of you. Most of our friends only know us as a couple, so this is a big change for everyone. And everyone can see how upset I am and that I'm not myself so obviously it affects them. I'm mad because you know that I need reassurance but you still don't give it to me. I want you to tell me that I'm important to you and that you love me because otherwise I don't know. And I feel like I'm always telling you how awesome I think you are and how special you are to me, because I feel it, so why wouldn't I say it? I hate all this "why can't you just trust it?” business. Why can't you just say it?!!? I'm mad that you made me feel really bad for you when you said that you felt so alone in all this and you had no one to talk to, but then you made no effort to reach out to anyone…so either you can't feel that alone, or you just don't care about this enough. I'm mad that you think that she isn't doing anything wrong, when she's devastating me, and you're supposed to care about me. I'm mad that when I asked if you two would maybe live together now you said no because I wouldn't like that. I thought that was unfair, because how I feel about something has never stopped you from doing anything else. I'm mad that you told me you wanted to live together with me when you didn’t. I'm mad that you never confided in me that you were having doubts about our relationship.
6.
moment: us 05:03
I would have liked to have more time with you.  Just you, your body and mine. I like so much what comes after the first time together. The things that we might learn about another body. And the way that we give the keys to the other to discover more. I would have liked to have some more time for that. The time that we shared together, unexpectedly, might have healed something in me.
7.
I want to feel your hand around my neck again…
8.
I want you to tell me that you're sorry that you hurt me. that you still think that I’m special and important to you. that you're thankful that you have someone you can always confide in and who will be there for you no matter what. I want you to tell me that you love me and that you'll never forget about me. I hope that you’ll remember me and our relationship with the same feelings that I do. And I hope that one day you get your heart broken so you'll know how I feel…
9.
isaac 05:20
You said a few weeks ago, and you have said it in the past: "If you need to go, go.” I need to go. For now, I need to go. How could I do this? How did this happen? How could my feelings change? How could I break his heart? How could I leave someone I love? How could I leave our dreams and adventures? How could I part from my first...of everything? How could I walk away from a year and a half over one month of distance? Maybe I should leave these wretched thoughts alone and blame it on the distance… But now there is a growing space between us, and I can't force it closed. You said a few weeks ago, and you have said it in the past: "If you need to go, go.” For now, I need to go. I love you but I need to go. I need to walk away.

about

In the summer of 2016, Mike McCormick decided to address his performative limitations by composing a set of personalized technical studies for the electric guitar. Exploring the physical and practical distance between him and his instrument encouraged him to examine other “distances” in various aspects of his life. This lead him to compose songs using texts from a collection of saved letters, emails, and electronic messages sent to him from partners with whom he had been previously intimately involved in order to examine the emotional “spaces” he had created in his life.

This resulting collection of compositions, his Proxemic Studies, are an intensely personal examination of human intimacy that depict the unabashed beauty of unconditional love, the bitterness of heartbreak, and the volatility of passionate lust.

credits

released February 8, 2020

Laura Swankey - voice
Emily Denison - trumpet
Mike McCormick - electric guitar
Knut Kvifte Nesheim - drum kit, vibraphone

All compositions © 2019 Mike McCormick (SOCAN/TONO)
Recorded by Jeremy Darby and Julian Decorte at the Canterbury Music Company, Toronto
Mixed and mastered by Jean Martin at The Farm
Produced by Jean Martin and Mike McCormick
Graphic design by Yesim Tosuner of Backyard Design

This recording was made possible through the assistance of the Canada Council for the Arts.

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Mike McCormick Oslo, Norway

Oslo-based guitarist, laptop performer and composer originally from Yellowknife, Canada. Much of his creative output is based on autobiographical material and draws from a variety of disciplines, including conceptual and performance art, electroacoustic music, twentieth-century literature, and various notated and improvised music traditions. ... more

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